5am still awake, i told myself i was gonna go to sleep early tonight, but still a lots going on in my head…couldnt get rid of those thoughts, so just come up here jot something down.

everythings getting well in my life, i know More and kim r gonna read this, havent heard from them for a week… miss them my 2 blessed gals in my life! yeah, im doing perfectly that im so in love now.

sounds like a 18-yr-old girl now, guess so…haha but i do i do enjoy being with my Paul now. we r making plans for my trip to Paris, i wasnt think that id be with a lover in the city of love just like all those shallow cheaky movies going..till this moment, i still couldnt believe im gonna go have a really romantic trip in paris! ..huuu..big breath, eiffel tower, the louvre, moulin rouge, museums, cathedrals, seine river..the famous Avenue des Champs Elysées…the whole things like a dream coming true, n im waiting for the day! actually cant wait any longer, a month to go, n its too long!

compare to american culture, i’ve soaked in too much that didnt enjoy enough of french culture..always picked the movies in english n that was such a big mistake, now that im reviewing n taking in some french cultures by watching movies about paris. thats what im gonna do this week, yeah its monday again! cant believe ive been in madrid for a week, basically i didnt do anything but time passing so fast..unbelievably fast!

my pauls gonna come to madrid within 4 days, awww..finally can see his face n spend time together. yeah we r blessed, as what patricia promised me that we r gonna have a long relationship n being sweet together! ahahaha! i feel im a girl, nahh..of course a woman, but with more girly side of me now..that was great! saying ‘i love you’ everyday really feels good!

went to the party in madrid, ok, im living in the suburb of madrid, thats why i didnt expect highly of that. so it was okay, people r more open to the people in salamanca, but nice enough. had fun last night, but without friends, it was just okay ok.

almost finished re-watching malcolm in the middle, i had such a blast with this tv show..i guess no matter how many times i watched it, i still could get pretty good laughs with it. lol, but i almost finish the 7th season..waiting for the fall season of project runway, or so you think you can dance, or CSI, or House blow my mind again…life in the suburban is boring after all… yeah, but, yeah, but..

pauls coming to study n live in madrid from dec, so i shall be fine. wont get bored too long, haha! we r gonna have an awesome year, incl. going to ibiza n back to salamanca next summer! maybe visiting berlin n amsterdam together too…just so many exciting things ahead of us.

patricia told me i would see her again, n i would definitely back to LA again! that was refreshing! coz i wasnt planning for that, no for soon, but after hearing it…i guess maybe one day, some day i will be back there again! miss the sunshine n the people there…

my lifes doing so great that thank god for everything, thank my mom for supporting me in many ways, thank more, kim being there from time to time..thank god letting me know n getting to know more about paul. im so grateful for everything that im having now!

just hoping schools gonna be ok too, n gonna meet nice n interesting people there. also hopefully kims gonna be doing better, so does my mom, n More. i love u all!

ash 

Background Musik: Mikelangelo Loconte’s <Tatoue Moi>. paul recommended to me, n my mom loves it too!

Weaken Wrinkle – or so called smile lines, i finally had one near my right side of nose…found that out the beginning of this year, n now when i look at it, yeah im old. no, older now. haha

so im fine, the last entry of my blog could be eliminated but i dont want to, just wanna it be there always showing the weakest period of my 2009 n it was a miracle thank god giving me another chance of living. thank david, kim n more giving me side by side supports. i know i need to get another test after 3 mons, hope im fine then, i really need a confirmation saying im fine. im so fine.

well, have been telling myself im perfection everyday since a month ago, n i will keep doing it coz it really works. love god love my body love my life, n change my crazy lifestyle to a normal happy status. wont do things without thinking, wont take risks on things possibly would take my life, n stay possitive stay kind to the whole universe. still open up to the whole universe with my good energies thats the most important thing.

i learned, really learned a lot by my ages..i surpassed myself during those challenges, im not regret of my life, never ever! im even more sure than ever that i would be succesful in early future as god put me thru this must mean something wonderful later n i truly believe in that.

a friend just asked me r u more a religious person or more a spiritual person? i told him spiritual person but with hard belief. religion could go with spirits, doesnt mean they have to go seperate ways, n id rather believe in both that both god n good spirits r with me…as always, all the time, as im blessed by god. n my energies r always moved by my good big heart, with me, helping me, there’s no difficulties in the way of my successful future.

going to madrid this thursday, this time hope i would be fine – get my docs done n copied, sent to universities n a short catchup with a friend then if possible shopping a bit..if possible. plan is wonderful, just wait till that day n see how it goes.

last whole months i basically didnt get good sleep, lots of worries n tears, lots of pressures n stresses, lots of anxieties n depressions, lots of phone calls n emotional moves, lots of imaginations n rough dreams, bad times, yeah.. but im thru those things n as a strong, incredible 23yr old woman, im standing here n embrace my love more deeply than ever, i wanna a bright future with my healthy body. i wanna do something make my family n friends proud, i wanna have a man loving me n raise our babies with me…i wanna all that, n i feel i’ve grown up in my heart now.

i grow up in my way, by ages by tough things by challenges by surprises by love n tears, by happiness n shocking news, by women n men, by crazy people…n i appreciate thousands times of what i’ve been thru n what i know so far. im glad im still alive, n this is something nobody can feel unless they went thru that too. all i can say is, im feeling AWESOME right now! sincerely gratefully thank you!

as my brains owns its only way of thinking, now its getting richer n richer by my experiences. i love my brain too, being rational n being sensible.

About rene, hes not ok, hes the one in need of medicational care n i will be there for him, at least now is not the time of leaving him alone. God is there watching me, n im being me, i know i wont escape from it, it wont kill me. im being careful n causious now, also being what a good human being should be. Karma is the king, n i know that.

again, my life goes on, with better visions n more knowledges. i profoundly thank god n my friends, love u so much! and i will always be here for you too.

btw went to Macaco’s concert last fri night n it was great, so im gonna upload some fotos next time.

Background Music: Macaco’s <Moving>.

when i was healthy, i always told myself life is short so just do whatever i wanna do dont care about how hard i was doing to my body. then its the time that there’s no turning point. im getting what i deserve, i guess.

any songs or any movies could easily make me cry. who knows, who could know this, why me? those questions r useless now.

not knowing when im gonna leave this world, not knowing what im building for my future could be fallen off like domino, not knowing if my life worths my existance on the earth.. im sorry, mom n dad. im sorry.

i’ve been enjoying my life every moments till now, really i would die without regret. but its tough, god keeps giving me rough tasks.. this time i finally couldnt do it even if im already stronger n most of the people.

thanks more, thanks kim, thanks david, n thanks god…pls give me a last chance to live normal!

Background Musik: Macy Gray’s <Don't Forget Me>.

as i’ve been thru a lot of things here and also being typical lazy me, sorry i havent updated for long. now that insomnia is coming back trying to catch me, i have to kill time by taking this chance to write about what’s in my mind all these days. it would be long,  i think so, coz gosh its really been too long, isnt it?

besides the ‘24yrs old’ – chinese traditional saying about how tough this year it will be, and truth is it is. my health laid on right there explaining how hard those months was to me, and even right now, im fighting for a healthy body, sadly not even in my sweet hometown. without families n friends’ supports, language barriers and of course other blah blah excuses, im insecured again. but all im thinking about is being positive and stay positve thinking that i believe im ok.

i miss a lot of things, not only the things n people in shanghai, also the days in macau, la, all those trips i had before. all the schools n classmates when i was in middle, high n uni before, and i even dreamed a few times of some old classmates. dreams project my daily thoughts, guess i darn missing my life before n knowing life isnt easy pulls up a bit sadness too.

last night, i couldnt fall asleep, thus writing 4 pages of all the thoughts i’ve learned and know about life. i mean writing, yeah by using pen n writing on the paper… all those writings were come up natually, as if i havent written for long n all the thoughts just easily flow out and doesnt even need to organize them. i was happy, coz i got good energies from writing them. thats also why im writing now, feeling creating innerpeace n consentration of mind controlling while im writing.

school is going better, at least normal. i skipped too many classes because of the health problem, now im trying to focus on other stuff n being grateful for the healing everday so that i could actually deal with my no.1 project here – study. havent gone partying for more than 2 weeks, n in fact will not be feeling freedom till 2 weeks later. i cant wait for june to come, truly cant wait for it! i hope i got recovered very soon, and time just could fly right now in front of me..showing me the bright side asap.

it doesnt mean im in a dark place now, no no, im doing fine here. not many meditations since ive got here, but all those positive thoughts always live in my head. i love my life, as always, and life is full of ups and downs, thats it. im facing the challenge in my life that god put ahead of me, so im dealing with it now and knowing i would succeed finally. coz im strong n persistant, yeah i do know that, haha!

was about to write my blog in spanish, but if i do i will lost my readers and also i couldnt bring my expression well enough to actually say what i mean. then a second thought is, will eventually writing in spanish, coz i just started dreaming in spanish..thats awesome, right?

weather here is always a problem, as shanghai right now is in its perfect may, 30 some degrees filled with sunshine everyday. im here less than 20 degrees, worried about catching cold again..shanghai ..oh god knows how i miss you.

tv shows, still same old same old. how i met ur mother, big bang theory, desperate housewives, prison break, two and a half men, csi, and make me a super model…a lot of tvs coz im basically banned from fiestas. spending more time in my room, watching n reading r the only two things im doing here. not bored, just not enough fun.

still smoking a lot, i know i shall quit, but i cant.

still drinking a lot of pepsi, i know i shall quit, but i cant.

i m cuttig something off my life already, so i at least would save last 2 addictions…if not incl watching tv shows.

how r u guys? ash says hi all the way from another side of the world. love u guys!

background musik: Amaral’s <El universo sobre mi>.

still the sex n city sydrome, or still the ‘monday morning syndrome’, i skipped class today. at exactly monday morning, i felt i couldnt deal with all the tasks in the coming week so i natually ditch all the things n being an escape slept till noon. i am bad.

making mistakes esp those weak ones that i should have conquered long time ago, but no. im not that strong, so i am sort of doing confession here. to my blog, to my lil territory here, saying sorry i should not have done so…

about taking care of myself those shit blah blah..i didnt make it, so what? should i just kill myself?

and i’m pathetically fucking miss my life in shanghai, esp after watching another all day long sex n the city, its all the questions about my life incl realtionship, love, men and women, and also my pasts. i always know im that type of enjoy the moment woman, but somehow i also started to think about my future, will i end up with living alone in my apartment in some big city with successful job but no man’s cuddling around? i know i suck, as soon as i questioned.

at least i know i will have galfriends having brunches together like those 4 fabulous women from the tvshow, and at least i will be successful, and then what? bunch of one-night-stands as promiscuous samantha? or never believe in romance carrie? or desperately wanna get tied up into a marriage chalotte? no i wont, but will i become always push people away miranda? or just become mr. big coz of too many bad experiences from the past that couldnt open up to another people? the reasons i brought up those questions are - (besides the fact that im bored and has been watching this show for all days long n no friends around me)

• im getting old too, altho still 20-ish. im still young.
• i know who i am, what i like n dont like.
• i had many, well not too many, experiences before, i surprisedly find out im not a relationship type
• those pasts stories wandering in my head, i have too much brains
• i hate to be a loner, but sadly the truth is, i am alone n lonely here.

its not like i busting my ass poped out those questions..its all naturally like im within thousand words in my mouth but no one to share with…yeah, p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c! bang!

my roomies r supposed to back from paris today, but strangely till now they havent come home yet, im so lone that i’ve been sitting on the couch n grabbing foods from kitchen the whole day n night.. am i gonna be living alone in my apartment n also enjoy my one-men-space like all those 4 women? ahhh..hopefully no, n ohhh, my head hurts when i start thinking about it. shoooot im still too young for this, cant handle those heavy thoughts. i think too much again…n i shall study more, shoooot i havent opened my book since last friday!

i smoked less today, but still…oh i miss shanghai! miss weekends at MAO, miss my wed CM family dinners, miss kim n lucia, miss david, miss chinese foods, miss my bed, even miss my parents’ complaints, miss my grandpas, miss my cousin sisters, miss my perfumes, miss my tvshows with internet, miss my hairdresser, miss my house on 11th floor, miss swimming pool at steve’s house in la, miss those restaurants in shanghai, miss the convenient life, miss the 24 hours shop, miss taxis, miss my habbit of buying flowers every 2 weeks, miss cute dog of my cousin sister’s, miss too muchhhhh…can u feel me?

and im only here for the beginning of 3rd week, oh how im gonna survive for next 6 months in salamanca, this small inconvenient, worse taste, without that many friends’ town? all im living on is ‘long daylight’, sun comes up before 7 n goes down after 8..n i’ve heard its gonna be even longer..yeah for that! i love sun! here i got it all!…besides that…what? i guess i cant really have it all, can i?

i smoked too much..way too much..

i miss my david, more than he or i thought i would.

its a beautiful day today, i know it coz i was out yesterday n it looks like so today. i was super happy yesterday, but im facing a low-time now somehow. maybe because i just read an email, maybe because i said i would go to gym but still couldnt make it, maybe because i felt introverted all of sudden, i shall shut off my cellphone, yes, im doing it. Or u may just think im making much ado about nothing..shitty mood, thats all.

pics above were taken yesterday – lucas, toni, emmanuel, lucia and i had a cozy lovely brunch, then afternoon coffee … we took a stroll for half hour enjoyed the sunny shanghai. more pics will be coming soon, thanks to lucia. yeah, also lucia n i had a great dinner & jazz night with lynn.

my chinese new year was all about family, dinners, fireworks, firecrackers, friends, musics, movies, smokes…text messages, emails..went to the temple, got all equiped by ‘red’ n ‘gold’ blessing stuff.

i felt like wanna drop everything today, dont wanna see anybody, or hear anything..didnt even have any interest in logging onto facebook, or even going out for a family dinner later..altho i have to. im dragged by sth unexplainable, felt discontented with the life…f**k!

background musik: Röyksopp's <What Else Is There>.

Watchout! this entry is gonna be a really huge bomb for you - things u dont know about me Haha get ready to drop ur jaws...actually my friends have already known me well, but only a couple of my close friends know the real ash...but i think its kinda fun to expose myself in front of public...its really about high self esteem that im proud of being me...or even more me after my relationship with david. haaa...i appreciate everything in my life so much, thats also why i think its a good time of telling you guys more about me - especially last weekend my blog's browse number was over 20,000! (yay! congrats to Ash!) so its a gift from ash now -D

1. people always curious about my looking since i was little, my eye color is honey brown but not black, and i have 3 eyelids. my nose is kinda crooked, and i have big laugh...so truth is im 1/8 russian. my grandma of my dad's side, she's half russian and half chinese. thats also explains why i love vodka that much.

2. i sleep without pillows. yeah im supawoman. n i usually sleep very late, after 1 or 2.

3. i dont like long nails, neither mine or other people's. and i love to keep my nail polish changing and stay chic n trendy, of course pedicure too.

4. no touch on my back allowed when im eating, even ice cream time, this is a serious thing.

5. i love smiling, as much as crying. im very sensitive..

6. my left hand is more sensible than my right one. both hands have many powers.

7. i had a nickname for long time - little witch. coz i was kinda famous when i was in middle high for predicting things.

8. i have OCD on my kitchen fairs. - put things where they r supposed to be..but only in my kitchen, i dont understand myself on that either...

9. love sunny days, and hate rainy days.

10. allegy to dusts and cats, will scratch myself to death...so pls no cats, only dogs.

11. love kids a lot, and dogs.

12. my fav foods: italian, indian, chinese. not into korean though. i have stomach problems, but still an epicure.

13. sometimes being rigid, sometimes smugly, but never monotone.

14. ha! i'm loved by god, by family and friends...n im alwayz loved by people around me. lol. i luv u guys too!

yeah, now u r satisfied, right? i didnt rattle off above, coz i mulled over those stuff for awhile before...so its only a part of Ash...i will not tell you more - u shall just come to me in person, then u will know more about me urself :p

background musik: Young Marble Giants' <Brand - New - Life>. im obsessed with this song now:)

coughing a lot. couldnt stand that winter just came, weather like this can kill me. i went out bought some meds in advance, but i think its not in advance anymore. i need it right away.

took this weekend and today first time to mull over about who i am, really. recalled the history hidden for almost ten years. its so confusing. and till now, still is. - i guess this is such a heavy and headache-maker topic for lucia and kim that both of them chose to discuss tmr. so they left me alone for tonight...it sucks, but ya, blame on myself pick it to think about now.

society teach us to be what they want us to be, thus i saw myself thru society's eyes. but just got activated again, and im...what the heck? open up now, so refreshing! altho i know it against stereotypical thoughts, but yeah guess what? i dont know! im baffled this time, and i need help. maybe i shall just quit thinking until i meet the right people.

k. do this, quit thinking. being me again. sleeeeep, shit. shit.

background music: Shearwater's <The Snow Leopard>.

this entry is gonna be ugly coz sorry i need to vent my anger. i know i shouldnt had put in a cease last few days on my blogging, coz one thing led to another you know my great fantastic mood got stuck with some new bad shitty mood then i completely forgot what i was just being grateful about.

i always enjoy my life, living a greatful life in my own way. even thought i know i'm a opinionated, judgmental, stubborn little bitch, but i've got pretty good self esteem without doubt. rather than being a materialistic chasing for fancy cars mansion houses diamond jewlery, i love the way i'm living a very shanghainese n chinese way but chasing for a better life only by fighting for it everyday. so i put myself at a quite openup position, altho its not that openup and i wont do that either, jesus chris thats too cheesy n lame for me. so next thing i embrace are all different types of people, males mostly.

even if a gentleman whos showing in a perfectly noble way to treat a lady could cover by his evil mask too, i was so miffed that i saw that scene once again in my life. that gross disgusting scene made me sick all day, and i had to buy cigarettes to forget that motherfucker's face.  im ok eventually, its just made my life more colorful, so what should i appreciate god for that? yeah, nice hit on my head again. thank you, sincerely. at least i dodged a bullet there, lecherous losers are full around the city my smartass made who i am today and im so glad about what i have. i guess its time to stop thinking of it and move on my way to a better, more noble way with more good energies and spirits - coz i know no matter what im thinking right now, it will manifest in my life. its karma, and i shall get those bad energy out of me! as long as im doing the right thing and dont have any bad feeling for myself, im good.

went to the class, autumn's coming but i was still wearing a long dress walking in the wind. this is meant to be a heavy week, and turned out it was. i had so much drinks, red wines, vodka till i threw up. had AOC cigars, more than 5...had a blast also had a huge disappointment, ..still the week's ongoing now.

miss david, damn, i miss this angel, he's the angel. but we are so unbelievably far apart..its aweful, so aweful.

got 4 dvds aside but just couldnt find a time to start watching, neither my tv shows. i'm tired of shitty people, so bought a bundle of flowers lighter color this time to cheer me up, and dq ice cream. anyways, im ready for a hot tub and good foods tmr! meeting up with my babe lucia tmr, yay for us!

also a little headsup here - halloween's around the corner, so get urself prepared for it! i'm so excited about it! alright, a heavy day tmr again!! nighty night:)

peace, Ash.

background music: Buena Vista Social Club's <Chan Chan>. - allow this cuban feeling flowing with my cigar (not a cuban tho)..

-don't change your plans-

Background Music: Ben Folds Five's <Don’t Change Your Plans>.

I'm fighting

But I got dictracted easily

I have to make up my mind

and work hard

I have to fight, by action, but not by words

There's the way to go, but many obstacles

all by myself, of course my family and frens' encourages

but still, I'm under pressure....

this year, god force me to work hard and fight for what i want

I learned, and I'm still fighting...

will be fighting....

went to the hospital for my darn stomach..no bacteria, but got some medicine to drink for a week

i feel headach all day..thinking of the earthquake...in 2months maybe

and at same time, i was so tired..also caught a little bit cold

shit..weather,,,,i cannot take care of myself. sorry, i just cant..

finished La Regenta, boring miniseries, but its nice to see the views of oviedo, a northern town of Spain where Toni's originally from

Background Music: The Kooks' <Kids>.

i might start losing the consistency in speaking english as im consuming lots of spanish vocubalarios at same time. i am a little worried about that, altho i know im fine right now.

but things just happened..

david had a car accident last week but luckily hes fine, at least thats what he told me. i cannot take care of him, but only like a stranger listening to his story in email..cannot do anything at all, but just let it go. my feelings are complicated right now, i have many kinds of thoughts but i never take care of my own needs. i always think for others, my galfriends, but never stop to think about what i need.

chatted on msn with kim just now, everybody is busy ahora. everyone is taking care of themselves and their priorities, so that why i cannot get any attention from them. - sounds pathetic, coz friends are supposed to stick with you when you have great stories to share or have tough experience wanna cry for a bit. I told kim that i am eating all my stories and feelings back to my stomach right now, possibly thats why my stomach is trying to kill me. They are connected, my mind and my body, and they always are.

I over considered for my friends, and always got hurt myself when i didnt get equally balanced out. It takes time for me to move on, and i tried to not thinking about it by keeping myself busy everyday. I know it starts working, now i wont cry when i think about my life with David. But still, i feel lost, a sad sad lost that only became vague.

My hair is growing, means time past, so me ashley need to move on too. I am moving on, i shouted to myself in the mirror, but im just not ready to open up to another body. I will do that when im ready! I felt I am only hangout with myself, especially when my galfriends are all ocupied by their affairs.

I slept less than 5 hours per night now, because i restarted my living ways in shanghai - using 24 hours like 48, do as many things as i can even though my eyelids r heavier every day or my shoulders sour like being digging by a screw driver inside. I am crazy now - mi vida loca.

I have my goal in front of me to catch on, but i have no galfriends for sharing. I have my encouragements left in my head, but i have no galfriends push me forward thru it. I have confidence to myself, but sometimes i have no feelings. I think a lot, but sometimes i shut my brain down for a bit just enjoy the blankout. I observe people's mind, but sometimes im tired of looking at people. I'm turning into a strange ashley...not for talking to myself coz i talk to myself everyday, but for nobody to talk to.

maybe i shall call david, but i dont wanna cry again.

im an animal but with too much feeling.

im special smart or hundreds of good words to describe me, but i still feel lost. A kind of lost that i always can feel when im in this city. This city washed out my glamor, brings me back to the raw face, while im not ready for looking at myself. I thought I could be better, yes i am better but the city is trying to make you feel worse.....i am attached to shanghai because its my hometown. its a great place, in fact its the best place in china. But i still cannot stay here, because i feel sad here when i dont have liberty, dont have speech and media's freedom, when i saw the grey sky or people spitting or fighting on the street.

i need to sleep, its almost 3 am again,....Tiresome forced me to write down those grumbles, but i still love the way i just typed out - before i forget how to use english.....:p

I need attentions from my people, pathetic? great? ??i dont know, i am sad....shit.....

Background Music: Rox's <My Baby Left Me>.

Grrrrrrrrrreat, I arrived in shanghai on July 31st, and I am officially back!

Way too much to tell ya, and so just write anything would occured to me now. Its gonna be diordered and disorganized, but I will try to make it readable.

So start from my last week or say 10 days in LA.

I was living with David in his apartment and yes he was my american boyfriend. He is a great man, dancer, linguist, teacher, healer, lover, clown character, and he is knowlegeable in many fields that broaden my world view and view of life totally. Also he has such a sweet heart that always surprised me and keep me feel good. well he also has bad side too, but its meaningless for me to put them here, cos all I expereienced with him belongs to me and just let you know that I was with a great guy that I learned a lot from him. We had great time and its just beyond the description of how happy we were together. That is also why I cried when I came home, and till today I was feeling lost too.

So I called him today and we talked on the phone for about an hour, people would say its crazy that you guys talked for an hour? but it is normal for us. Once again, he taught me a lot, he encouraged me, and he brighten up my life again even though we are so far away and its only on the phone...but its just amazing that our heart, feelings and heart are still together. He is with me.

I told him that I was kind control freak that i always aggressively wanna put my thoughts upon others, and if not I would get really rash and bad tempered. Especially the weather in shanghai is t-e-rrible and not even mention the early sunset...our neighbourhood's noisy renovation construction are gonna last till next year. I was upset that the situation here is so uncomfortable for me. Also I was angry that we dont have UU church in china, and I was worried that I wouldnt be able to find my innerpeace. I was missing the life there and couldnt move on, although i have to tell myself you are getting stronger and stronger everyday after the act of cleansing. well this great man told me the way he did: as long as you find someone who will listen to your story, it is a good thing. but you also gotta accept that people won't get what you tell them. You don't need to find innerpeace when you are angry, because you have its postive power to drive and push you to do what you want. Don't walk on other people's feeling, just address whats your feeling being an asshole but also need to accept that they wont understand it.

I told him I would be get online every freakin day since I wont be working, and I was very upset and not satisfied with myself on this point. But he just said, good! Now you get chances to read all kinds of things about spain. God, this guy is wonderful that toally changed my anxieties to encouragement to myself. Maybe if oneday i live in spain, will try to find him the best flamengo male teacher and the clowning school too. I promised him that before I go crazy I would go having massage, go swimming, go to public and read spanish loudly, jumping around the city and looking for chances to go all of the world - because I am special, super smart and have lot of time ...I'm young and I'm better than others! Haaahaa:D Snotty me.

He worked really hard, 3 days a row and sometimes two show a day. Its sunday today and he still have work to do at his day off, he started to eating more, but he doesnt wanna get fat in the middle since he still wanna do handstand. So he would do more work out ..great! I changed this guy, in a good way, really makes me happy. Okay anyway this phone call really means a lot to me, especially now, when i was not stable emotionally. Now I feel much better :D

Then its about the details, you could take a look at the photos, we went to Griffith observatory at my birthday. I went to LACMA, and saw the dark knight, hellboy II, wallE with david. Yah, we are officially done with the movie this year....I saw best 4 movies in 2008 and I dont need more. He cooked for me everyday even he cannot eat wheat. We smoked together, almost everyday, alothough its kinda waste for me to smoke. We fought and we dealt with it, I cried a lot and leant a lot too. Annie also talked through a lot with me, and she changed me in many ways too which i mentioned several times before. I dont really feel attached to this city, but I love god brought annie, david into my life at this current life stage. They helped me and I know I will open up more and be successful soon.

I hate the transportation system in LA, and I dont like this season's so you think you can dance. I love exaggerating my spanish pronounciation, and being super big when i move. Started loving opera music and care about the nature, the environment, and the big earth.

I don't really like mexican foods that much, but mexican young woman's body are wonderful. Love those cashiers in all different kinds of markets because they are kind like a family member to you, love the people there being so nice everyday. Love the sky, the pool in annie's house, the cute kids..oh and i love the supermarkets too, so many choices would take me whole day. Love the icecream and frozen yoghurt, love the vintage shops and book stores. Love those movie theaters but hate those Auto speech recognition phone calls or services. I had a great birthday in LA, incl. david's sweet breakfast cooked before he went to work; i met with a psychic spiritual advisor and changed my life too, griffith park from day till night...yeah lots of things~ many stories.

David makes me wanna live a life, love the earth, not just shopping or watching tv, but using money to learn more. Yeah i was a shopholic, but now I lost interest in those labels and brands.

I will sign up for a full day spanish course tomorrow and will be fully focused on my spanish till the day I leave for spain! Woooow, still sounds exciting!

Met with families and friends, talked a lot and glad that I could start helping people. will go meet with my gals next few days and bring them my good energy and let them feel my power now.

okay, enough for today, there are still hundreds of stories waiting in the line. I wasnt expecting you read my blog, because I was just talking to myself. (yeah, david told me that too.)

Btw, Aska is getting old but I enjoyed the concert even if I hadnt recovered from jetlagging. I knew most songs he played and hope he and chage would come back again next year when its gonna be their 30th year anniversary.

Background Music: Barry Manilow's <Can't Smile Without You>.

notes:

Do you need anything? Is there anything i can help? Be carefully not giving advises, cos will make other people feel stupid.

I have to learn to leave some subjects alone, and not touch it.

You have strong mind, should be a leader. Although you grew up in a communism society which only teachs people to be followers.

People have high intelligence doesn't necessarily also with high emotions. They don't know how to talk about their deep feelings, their emotions were protected hidden inside.

Innerpeace is something that at certain age you should find out, and have it. Once you own the innerpeace, you wont be anxiety or nervous. People always searching around for something, they usually have something lost in their heart and they felt insecurity.

Nice and good people could be also with insecurity at same time, but try to find someone has innerpeace.

Dog on the freeway - doesn't matter if which driver trying to save that dog, the dog would just bite any driver's hand cos he was scared.

Be humble try to encourage people more, and let them tell what they feel and what their problem is, also ask them what they think could be the solutions. Instead of being higher up there like a doctor, try to be their friend. If necessarily ask them "are you trying to fool me?" because they are the expert of their body of their heart, ask them about their own thoughts and feelings.

Marriage just doesn't work on somebody. It's good for some people, but not all the people.

If you see someone needs to be fixed, but that people feel very comfortable about what he's doing, then just leave it alone.

What do you want? - that is the point, even when your curiosity drives you asking so many questions, try to figure out what do you want, where those questions lead to and for what.

• new yorker/irish/valley village/artshop/clown/skinny/party/using "us" "we" more than "i"/sweet/free spirits/rice noodle not wheat noodle/no drink no cigarette/born to be and meant to be a clown/wonderful dancer when only 15/gluten free cookie/possible celiac desease/baby oil/coconut butter/candles/ronald mcdonald's cool sticker/new refrigerator/tom waits/real gone/first page of Cien años de soledad/sexy spanish reading/female condom/big red shoe/arniflora arnica gel/dont demand/not fair to say that because you are young/goddess/lousy at taking pics/chameleon many faces/slow right eye/sensitive left hand/no such things about for good/kiehl's/havaianas sandals/mellow yellow/what are you talking about/red meat plus seafood/pipoca si/meet lots of interesting people/talk to your body/hold every part of your body/clock on the coffee maker/work hard/deep sadness/emotional/tooth pick/weeds/ring/bell/elastics/balance the colors in room/maranja/14/ménage à trois/coffee person/cats dogs kids/unicycle/poky/downtown wood curtain/hats vests/stolen laptop with all the fotos/maps/memories/skeleton in the wardrobe/friends' letters/a pic of zen chinese chess with three candles/lock the door/beautiful eyes/share the joy/moving and move on
• canadian/love living in LA/cross generations/eat healthy/addict to coffee and pinkberry's yoghurt/energy means everything/rude when other people talk only in their language/nonjudgemental friends/life in europe/rock band/micheal jackson's teacher/lots of friends and patients/open up to the whole universe/jewelry maker/good at color pick/french speaking/open new converstaion/ghost whisper/always marry a younger guy coz woman live way too long than men/ get marry after 30/dont easily fall in love with guys/have so many things to see and experience/wait/23/no middle name/a happy life is what i should learn from this trip/earn money is important, but use it in live a better life thats the most important/feel most chinese people are more like robot, money but not life/go to spain marry to a spanish guy and settle down forever/good energy/approve david/wonderful family/beautiful house/no regret/life insurance is a very serious business here/meant to be a psychotherapist/always know how to give/hard to get tan/great magnet that people always smile back/happy life - go to experience more
• polka dots/imagination/bad side effect/healing/open up the body/scary/wanna read more books/see more things/talk to my body/patient/dont demand/dont mean to hurt feeling/skinny doesn mean not strong/older guys/wait till 30/languages learning/find a dream job that my heart will tell me that i meant to be/always laughing/massage/tell body dont be hyperstressed/money but really, the life, the happiness/more choices to find/wisdom of 30/let unnecessary committment go/learning and growing/love my beautiful body and face/gotta drive a car/less tv shows but more books/smart/safe/open up to the universe too/live a better life because i know i can

All three crazy people, great energy, perfect vibe and magnets, non stop laughing, sensitive, love, moving....quality time, again thankful to god...appreciate everything that i'm having now...even though i know im leaving and gonna miss them, i will keep fighting and live a ASH-style life! Meet more people to experiece more, keep going and moving on~~~yeah!

Background Music: Tom Waits' <Hoist That Rag>.

HAAAAAhaaaaaHAAAAha.... i'm dead.

I thought it was 4/20's effects, clear mind plus wide imagination at same time. Plus your healing power, spontaneously our powers made me keep telling those stories deeply hidden inside my memory. I felt those bubbles coming out of me, then its the polarity effects...but no one knows what happen to the gases in the stomach..its strong compact stress..hyperstess in my both legs too..

I cant stop talking, hiccups, scary, angry, i was stone but my mind was so clearly that my thoughts were sharp. I opened up, or say you helped me open up my body. My both hands woke up, and i wanna discover all those funny things later on.

You gave me a little bell you found in black dessert, thank you, i'm blessed. I know I will remember you, and i feel we will meet again in our future. Be strong, my beauty, although I still could sense the sadness. I'm too emotional, I know, but I am clear about what I want. But I will remember you said: if sometimes you try so hard you cant get it, maybe that means you should do something else first. And my future, maybe i will stay in spain, marry to a spanish and...just live there for good. ha...we laughed, and i said i hope so...

You bear with me, I felt extremely safe, but also felt it would be a big loss if i leave soon. And I know I'm leaving fucking soon, but I just wanna hold your body, even you are so skinny, just hold it and dont wanna you leave me. Lets fight for life, coz its not the time for it, coz we know what we want.

Thank god bring us in a certain time to meet each other, let both engery zones affect each other, the power works strongly and helped wake my body up. Age is just a number, haa..yeah, but i found myself only look for some strong energy with more knowledge of giving pleasures and could give me peaceful mind....its not easy to find someone, but i know i will find that person one day.

I'm gonna leave my ring to you, even its a cheap stuff, but just wanna bring my breath and blessings to you. babe, i wanna you always be happy, and take good care of yourself. We will be in touch, and maybe will meet in spain, yeah, we will, i can feel it!

You read Gabriel García Márquez's <Cien Años de Soledad> to me, extraordinary beautiful spanish, sexy voice in spanish. I wish I could stay longer, but we know i cant. shit. I'm gonna be speaking in that language and you trust me.

Before I officially turning into 23, I met with him, and he changed me....its a kind of love that god gave to me, and i will keep fighting - this is my life.

July 6-8, 2008, Corteen Place, LA  w/ 8 ball

I feel I'm in control now, pls dont worry about me. kisses with my love.

Background Music: Des'ree's <You Gotta Be>.

So I finally decided to put this piece onto my blog here, I wrote it down yesterday and I thought it was just too personal that could be just shared among my gals. I just got off the phone with Zari and start thinking this could be a god blessing thing that to share with you guys and give some gals a headsup before they easily fall into any fantasy. It's my first-hand experienc and its all the truth that I'm talking about, hope its helpful to mostly of the readers. Ok, I woke up from the fantasy but probably the fantasy will only stop until I find my next guy, but till then I will just do crazy things, don't give a shit about what the world is, and of course do it intelligently. I have a nice temper and I'm just totally being myself with a clear mind - so I shall find myself a decent guy also with a clear mind and love me as much as I do to him.

Here we go:

We ended on good terms~ recommend this song - Guillemots’ <Out of reach> (lyric is so wonderful.)

TO all the gals:

1. A guy praises your beautiful looking but doesn’t mean he loves you for that, or he maybe just wanna express what he feels that time without any other thinking.

2. A guy who thinks he’s husband material, or he’s ready, or how much he loves kids, but doesn’t mean he never thinks that he probably would be alone to death. And he thinks both sides, but only told you that positive part, don’t get fooled easily think he’s really the husband type and if worse maybe you will think he’s gonna have that baby with you.

3. A guy tells how much he loves his mother, is not because he really loves family, but his mother is the only one loves him unconditionally in the world. His mother doesn’t have any choice.

4. Guys are bad, they will ask you to let him get in your life, but once you did it doesn’t equally mean that he will let you get into his world.

5. If you have a better offer, just take it. Never wait for him especially when his heart got all fucked up.- not dumping, but just take another offer.

6. It’s always gonna be unfair when he has lots of things to do, no point to compromise for that. You should dump him because girl power requires more but not less.

7. A guy tells you he cannot deal with intense is because he gets intense too. If he tells you he cannot deal with temper is because he has temper too. Because only one of two could be intense or have temper in a relationship, and normally selfish / overprotected one is the one ask his girl not being intense or having temper.

8. Everybody has temper, girl, if you have it don’t deny it, and you should be proud of it. Because it’s the real you and it’s your personality that could not be changed. Just being yourself and find a guy who thinks it’s hot but not like a burden.

9. It’s easy to live in a fantasy for gals, but pls wake up when you feel you are the only one always compromise – no need for it. Just wake up!

10. If you get intense, means you feel it’s unfair. Once you get intense, then confront with him tell him that you don’t like what you become, and give him an ultimatum.

11. ALWAYS Remember, gal, you have nothing to be afraid, you are so hot and precious that definitely deserve better!

12. If he said you are different, it doesn’t mean he will never walk away from you, but means he will just use some other ways to walk away from you.

13. If a guy takes sleeping pills, don’t even start relationship with him. – too much stress for him already, no room for your stress, even a little bit some time. (He is in shituation now.)

14. A guy who experienced divorce means he knows and sees things more clear, especially more clear about what kind of girl he wants. Also means he will be selfish and arrogant and overprotected – not fair to any girl. Be Aware of the divorced guy.

15. Divorced plus no kids doesn’t make it a good package. It could be like he doesn’t trust any people. Although you guys feel for each other very easily, probably you guys will lose this feeling very easily too.

16. If you start a relationship, don’t take it TOO seriously because it’s just like a first step to get knowing a new guy but with a “I’m start to seeing someone”’s name. – Woman are easily to fall in love, its okay, but you have to get mind cleared up quickly too. (Woman are emotional victims – Easily to get too much pressure, too little wisdom and too late to wake up.)

17. Any relationship starts from “Feeling’s right” is doomed to be a fantasy, gal please really get to know him more before everything else starts. Make sure he’s committed to it and he has that time to do it.

18. Core value is a very important thing, same as great sex.

TO Ashley:

1. “Stupid” is a bad word that probably will hurt someone’s feeling very easily.

2. Don’t say FU because guys don’t like a gal who curses a lot.

3. He may be arrogant, but he has the right to be, because after all he’s a 40+ years old guy.

4. He has a lot of spirits, but doesn’t mean he’s really that nice person. It’s easy coming and easy going – like his love to any gal.

5. He has a lot of Dos and Don’ts although he doesn’t want to admit that, which makes me feel he’s a hypocrite.

6. All in all, he is NOT READY or just say, no sweet nice decent girls could put up with this kind of guy, that treat gal so unfair.

7. He has those conflicting desires, which means he’d better stay as a single guy till he realizes the conflicts and also determinds to clear up his mind.

Over

So, anyways it was a wonderful experience and I totally enjoyed it, altho only last for a month. Life is too short, so don't give myself hard time, just have fun! I'm awesome~haha!

After you read above notes that I wrote down one by one, don't you think I'm kinda like the "Carrie" in  <Sex and the City>, who wrote down details of her life stories and put them in a great interesting way for people to read?

Stay happy, life is too short - that's all I'm talking about!

Background Music: Outkast's <Hey Ya!>.

Just listen to this song, over and over, i heart it.

I'm tired. Probably my craving for love has become a desperate wish which leads nowhere. Not pathetic feelings, but just simply tired. Ironically, I have a perfect mood today. Anyways, I think I need take a nap or something, because I cannot take this anymore, after all I'm a catch - should not be this "sad". Being contradictive, being misunderstood, being disappointing, but all these are really so unfair. I'm not flawless, and I dont have perfect communication skills that meet every your emotional needs whenever you wanna. It's getting crazy everyday and night, my worries, my concerns, my freakin memory are torturing. I'm Ok thats the only thing I show to you, which you dont know that's not me, I was just trying to pretend it. I felt its not what I want, I deserve more than that. But you lucky bastard that Im not that easy to give up type, and so I kept telling myself to suck it up just bear with it. Maybe you are not the one, but at least I didnt expect that much from you. Extremely low expectation are the key to happiness, so I'm happy because eventually I know I didnt put that much expectation as usual.

I talked a lot with my gal friends lately and I shared everything with those gals, they are the most important people in my entire life. Even the life is uncontent with love, once you have true friendship, you wont feel alone. This is the major reason that I can stand everything I'm going through right now, because of those gal's listenings. I luv ya, gals!

Well, Lingyi & my cousin are coming back, I'd love to have my life back. Just wanna think less and less, and fuck all those craps. Period.

Background Music: Ashlee Simpson's <Little Miss Obsessive>. 

Start to get knowing someone is so not easy, but it's my adventure that I chose to go through. I will take it easy and calm down, because we love each other.

Situation sucks I know, and if you ask me to wait, I have to.

luv ya, your dummy.

Btw, my woman lingyi's coming back the end of this month, hurrah!

I'll go have dinner with my gals Ines and Lucia tonight, ya~ girly talk...pls help me!

.....

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference."—— Elie Wiesel quotes (Romanian born American Writer. Nobel Prize for Peace in 1986. b.1928)

Background Music: Will.I.Am's <Heartbreaker>.

I couln't sleep last night and have been wide awake for clearly at least three hours. I know it was mainly because of the last few days' late night sleep, but also I felt my head was full of various thoughts almost suffocated myself underneath my quilt. I literally suffered by mysterious stomache constantly and I had absolutely no idea where this came from. I was in pain and I pondered too much that I couldn't even catch my breath back by following all those incredible conversations between me and god or maybe upper me. The talks in my head were kept back and forth, on and off, I was more likely talking to a therapist in some kind of treatment. I exposed myself infront of my therapist and at same time I realized that my face was covered by tears, it's self-loathing and It was like I'm screwed for my whole life.

Trust me, this aint easy for me to come tell out here. It was more privately "me"-ish session and I got such a weird nerve on me now. It's Chinese New Year here, damn holiday it is! but I was fxxking lonely and had nobody to talk to! I could pretend nothing happened and just go to work like right now what I'm doing here in the office. But I can never forget how balls-up for me last night, and probably more than last night coz its genuinely fxxking truth here that I'm fxxked up! I hate those skinny bitches wearing fabulous outfits while I never work-out and only did stress eating and got ballooned myself to a damn fugly. I hate that tomorrow is the Valentine's Day and I will definitely be bombarded by couriering around flowers and gifts everywhere in the city which are not for me. Because I am a hopeless romantic type who is being through the most painful time right now with boyfriend and that schmoe contrariously knows nothing about romance and really sucker for romance. Yeah, I'm devastated to it, I'd rather smoke cigarettes and crouched in a dark corner without thinking anything of it. My heart was on the verge to break and the love is fading now, but I will say into the mirror that "I'm a strong independent woman" or "I don't need a man in my life" such things to courage myself to get out from this self-hatred gloominess.

I know its not usually like this, depressed, but I felt its so hard to go on living. But I'm getting older, and I always have a thought that life is short so that I totally became pushy and irritated somehow unconsiously. With hearing the firecrackers outside my windows, I felt I'm really getting old now and I merely achieve nothing. Choices, or chances, or realities, or dreams, or anything fucking here in my head are getting old with me, simultaneously. I am lack of the friendship, the friendship such as WIll and Grace have, or maybe whoelse can understand me and bear with me. I need move to a place and start living solo, but its just a matter of time, but I would like to do it in this year.

There you have it, I've laid myself bare like some sort of blogging martyr and being vulnerable at some point. But it is the very me, a sick, needy, fatass, contradictive, girly, hopeless romantic talker! I seriously need to do it without thinking too much ahead! pffffff, just do it!

Besides, WGA is officially over and couples of my favorite shows would return next new season. I've been watching those nominated Oscar movies during my holidays and still in progress now. For the Grammy awards, all i can say is Amy winehouse kickass! I love her, altho she's addicted to xx&xx. Let me see, and the prison break, those boys finally broke out from Sona, gosh, that was way too long to wait for that moment, still ended up with no bare tatooed body...what am i waiting for, man! Is that too much to ask just take off your stink long sleeves shirt and showing us some skins for just awhile god damnit!

Ok...btw, the L word's 5th season was so painful to look at, when the hell Bev and Tina could get back together? and I do love Alice now, yet hate that bitch Jenny...um...soft porn of those girls would stilll be the catch, other than that, i kinda feel obliged to watch it. Anyway, happy valentines day for every couples in the world, including gays & lez & tranxxx.

Background Music: Sara Bareilles's <Love Song>.